This week’s meeting of the “Harry Potter Facebook Easter Egg Doesn’t Work For Me” support group
Crystal: Hi, my name is Crystal, and I… well, I can’t see the Harry Potter Facebook thing.
Group: Hi, Crystal!
Crystal: So, I guess it’s the same story for everyone. I type “Harry Potter” and it just stays black. No red font, no link. I, I just feel…so inadequate.
Group Leader: Remember what we talked about, Crystal. Not being able to see the sparkling wand and do all those things doesn’t reflect on you as a person.
Crystal: But everyone else! They keep…typing it and laughing and…and being amazed. I can’t take it any more.
Crystal breaks down crying.
Dan: Fuck this, I mean, FUCK it. Why should we feel inadequate just because they keep making up this stuff…I mean, who the fuck cares! It’s not like I read the books every day. I have a life, so what if Pottermore sorted me into Hufflepuff when I know I’m a goddamn Ravenclaw.
Bob: Really Dan? If you were a Ravenclaw, you’d be able to figure out why the links don’t work for you.
Group Leader: C’mon folks. Let’s not turn on each other. I don’t think any of us will ever really know why the names don’t light up for us when we type them.
Sarah (angry): my sister typed “what’s this about some Harry Potter thing you’re not seeing?” and it lit up right then and there for her, but not for me. She’s like “Oh, thanks, that’s fantastic!” Things ALWAYS work out for her. I hate her.
Crystal stops crying long enough to hug Sarah.
Crystal: We’re good people too. We ARE.
Bob: It’s just like fucking middle school.
Terry: No, you know what it’s like? It’s like The Leftovers. Like we weren’t raptured.
Group: Wait, what?
Terry: No…seriously. They spend the whole series trying to figure out why some people got chosen and not them.
Dan: I think I read that book. Well written.
Group Leader: Folks. I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere by talking about what this is “like.” It’s just something we need to accept. Some people see sparkly wands and stuff. Some of us don’t.
Sarah: Oh god. Maybe we’re squibs.
Sarah breaks down sobbing hysterically.
Group Leader: everyone, get a hold of yourselves. Just, let’s type in “Slytherin” one more time. Maybe that will work; we’ve tried all the other houses.
Everyone looks down at their phones. Types silently.
All of a sudden, a voice calls out from the back of the room.
George: OMIGOD! It works for me. I must have been spelling Gryffindor wrong the whole time!
He starts laughing maniacally. “This is great!”
Rest of the room looks at George. Looks down, turns their phones off, one by one.
Group Leader: well, that’s about it for now. Just a reminder, the “My name got picked in for the Shirley Jackson Lottery re-enactment support group” meets next Thursday. I’ll expect we’ll see a lot of you there!
